I will survive...

Fark, am I tired or am I tired...

Ok, right now, I am feeling very drained out and emotionally empty. I am like this huge walking husk of a human being - devoid of any feelings right about now as I am typing this in the cold confines of my office. How strange eh, the air-con seems always to be colder whenever you are down and the bloody radio always seems to be playing the latest sob tunes.

I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye as she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

This love has taken its toll on me
She said goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

This love has taken its toll on me
She said goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything is alright
My pressure on her hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do

This love has taken its toll on me
She said goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

- Maroon 5, This Love

But it's alright, coz I really feel like breaking down anyway. The weekend that was just past has been harrowing and yet the pain was surprisingly minimal, perhaps it was like a surgeon's precision scalpel that goes straight to the wound and draws little blood, leaving no painful mess behind. Or perhaps I have been expecting this day to come and my heart has already been callused with enough bruises that another one won't matter.

And like Lauren a couple of weeks back, I don't really know how to blog right now, the feeling is acute but yet farway as if it was somebody else's pain and I am merely looking through a glass, near yet separated but I know I am feeling this because I am still holding on to certain degrees of denial - denial that it didn't work out.

Welcome to the single's club, Jason Woo (to take a quote from Ms Lee, heh) and Mona, you better take me in.

Ok maybe you all will feel that bah, here we go again, same old shit again but like I mentioned, there is no painful mess this time, everything ended seemingly calm beneath the waves of turmoil. We will be closing our joint account really soon coz the both of us are really tired and wanted a clean break so that we can (hopefully) get on with our lives. Well, it may look funny and wasteful that I am giving up a relationship that has taken some 6 years of my life and hers (now that we are already somewhat quarter of a century old) but on hindsight, all the signs were already there.

It's just that we didn't want to entertain them and chose to bravely soldier on. But sadly, this didn't work out too well and here we are. It's ironic that we didn't even quarrel much yesterday, I told her I was tired of going through all these antics and her giving me no chance at all especially when she is so preoccupied with her own negative feelings and chooses not to respond positively to solve the issue even though it was her who said that "fine, we shall not talk about it anymore" yesterday. Well, if that's what she wants, she's not displaying it, preferring to wallow and immerse me in her emotional blackmail and rollercoaster.

To be fair, she told me too that she was tired as well of trying to speak to me as she thought that I was not even patient with listening to her (we had lots of quarrels over this) and was not even a good listener in the first place. Furthermore, to her, I always had something that is more important to attend to than her and I always seemed to love other things more than her. But how can I convince her that though important that she is, the world does not just revolve around her all the time and that I too, have my own responsiblities and obligations?

And I know what she will say in retort to this, she will say that she does not expect the world to revolve around her, she just wants my attention as she needs them, and I did fulfill those before, I mean, who has collected books for her on her behalf when I pass by the bookstore? Who took off to accompany her to the doctors? Who has given all the thought into thinking how we could live a life together? I don't know anymore, and I am not here clamouring for credit as it is also true that sometimes I don't lavish on her the kind of attention and TLC the moment she wants 'em just coz I am wanted my own space. I am as guilty as she is for the failure of this whole thing but I hate it whenever she makes it sound that I am blaming only her and when she makes it like it's totally my fault, although sometimes it really was but I do apologise after that. It's just her who refuse to let it rest and many a times, I will lose it and everything goes. Grrr.

These issues have been with us for the longest time and frankly, I do not know how to solve the problems. My head hurts along with my fatigued heart, I feel like I am drowning and I keep telling myself to stand up and breathe but it's harder than I thought. I tried to cry but no tears came out, I tried to sleep but slumber did not take me yesterday night. Ended up waking up at 5am and tossed and turned. By right I should feel liberated but somehow, I feel something of me has just been taken away and the amputated part is beginning to decay and die. It will take some getting used to but it may also mean a new start for me - to meet other someones and see the world, play the field coz you never would know if the right fella is just next to you.

I know I need to survive through this, I don't need no sympathy, just kind words and a kind ear. Maybe like this, I will be able to walk out of the woods soon. And this morning, a thought occurred to me, love is like a war, it's a long and painful route, you get shot at, put down, bombed and you get scars all along the way. But you grow and though you become more grizzled after the whole thing, you find that you never really grew out of the person who you have poured yourself into.

Many months or years away from now, I think I will still remember the first kiss she planted on me before she went home on the bus on one of our outings, or the big hug when she gave me after I could book out in my NS days. The times when we had shared our dreams under the stars and when I held her close to me along the beach during a chalet organised by our friends. Those days seemed like they will never end but they do, and did.

If you tell me that ya, there will always be other better ones out there. Let me tell you that as true as the statement is, it is also true that they will never be the same as this one. Sad but true, but I gave it up because I think we deserve to be happy. She deserves it and I deserve no less as well. For goodness sake, I don't even know how to get to know a girl well even though I have 6 years of experience under my belt. Girls still puzzle me and I doubt I can even go after another one again. It's just too much effort and I am getting on in years - I don't like love games anymore. Sigh.

But I still wish to fall in love again. That much I know.

Better luck next time, Woo-ster.

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

- Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive (the perennial heartbreak anthem)