It's a rainy day today, my heart has gone to sleep.

The sounds of rain pattering on my window and my mum closing the door to go to work awoken me from my dreamless sleep. I found it hard to wake up actually, somehow if your heart is heavy, your body will feel the whole weight as well. But I crept out of my bed anyhow.

The reason for my listlessness stems from a few SMS that were exchanged between me and Jo the night before as she felt sad all of the sudden. Whilst I tried to comfort her and keep her faith up, I cannot help but be affected. After all, this is somebody I would have comforted more weeks or even days before. But the circumstance now does not allow me that although it's more of a conscious choice than anything else. I am worried that if we got back together the same old problems will surface and cause stress once more. But my heart is still aching every now and then, I do not know what to do anymore. The date when we will be closing the account is nearing and somehow, I don't really want it to come any faster. I am really in a conflict now, full of opposing thoughts and clashing sentiments.

This morning she SMS me again regarding her frustrations at work and the thoughts of quitting that she has harbored for some time but didn't really went for it. I told her (and she understood) that she still had MOE's bond damages to pay for and furthermore, M1 where she is working at is quite a stable company with some good money so she should not even quit even if the manager ticks her off without tact. I added that managers and bosses need not be tactful and that everywhere has its own frustrations. I hope she listens to me and not make the same old rash choices she made during her NIE days which resulted in her owing dough to MOE.

"If you wanna rant, call me. Keep the job"

This was what I told her, I really don't know if I am equipped to hear her out and saddle her problems but if there's anyway I can alleviate her pain, even if it's just a little. I am willing to listen and give her advise; although I think she knows the solutions already but just don't want to see it.

But mind you all, this is not a direct result of a guilty feeling that we are currently apart but rather I am genuinely concerned and I don't really wish to see her spoil her life. It's really a pain to go watching people do that.

It's even more painful when you know that the person in question was somebody you thought you had a future with, but it's so unclear now.

You Are Far
When i could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death, and from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
But you'll never find
Peace of mind,
Til you listen to your heart

People
You can never change the way they feet
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew i loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So goodbye
But please don't take my heart

You are far
I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart
Maybe i'll be strong enough
I don't know where to start
But i'll never find
Peace of mind
While i listen to my heart

People
You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will,
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart

And people
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew i loved you
We could have shown them all

But remember this
Every other kiss
That you ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
Like i always do
There's something there
That can't compare with any other

You are far
When i could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death, and from my heart
Strange that i was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
I guess you were kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool

- George Michael, Kissing A Fool

This song never fails to make me sad. It's a slow number and melodiously tragic..."we could have shown them all..."

Sigh.